Zoltar’s Premonitions: Avoiding The Terrible Fate of Eternal Imprisonment

If you have had the chance to meet Zoltar the Great inside The Fun House, I’m sure you may have found yourself wondering how could someone so handsome and so powerful get trapped inside a painting for all eternity? Well, you are not alone in your pondering! It is a question I get quite often, so I decided to go straight to the source and ask Zoltar the Great himself. Here is what he had to say:

“Greetings and salutations dear readers, I am Zoltar the Great, the Seer of Secrets, and today I’ll be your guide to avoiding the terrible fate of eternal imprisonment.

“It all starts in 1940. I was part of a very prestigious travelling circus that would draw crowds from near and far. During this golden age of circuses, I was the gem in the crown of my ring leader’s performance. Ah yes, I was truly a site for people to behold. And, oh, how they would gasp when I would peer into my crystal ball and lay bare the path to their future. Secrets? Scandals? Deep wells of unknowable knowledge? No problem for the Great and Powerful Zoltar.

“But alas, the 40s were a turbulent time, and even a talent like mine was not enough to drag people from their sorrows and into our seats. Ah yes, it was quite the low point indeed.

“Naturally, the Ring Leader had some tough choices to make and one by one the other acts were cancelled. Now, I will admit that this was curious, but I did not fear for my job. No, no, no. I was merely worried that another circus might come by and take me away from my beloved circus. That’s it. That is why I sought out our magician, Morgan something or other, for a cure to my worries.

“Now it was no secret that Morgan and I didn’t get along very well. He, like so many others, couldn’t help but go green with jealousy when he would see the adoring fans showering me with compliment after compliment. However, when I so humbly asked him for a spell that would keep my act in the circus forever, he set his grudge aside and graciously agreed to help me. Perhaps he believed that by helping me, he might be able to bask in the glow of my success for that much longer.

“Or at least that is what I thought at the time.

“Morgan said he had something that would give me exactly what I wanted. He handed me a terribly dusty scroll and said if I signed it, I could be part of the circus forever. Without overthinking anything, I dipped my quill into some ink and signed the scroll with a perfect autograph.

“Suddenly everything became shaky and my vision started to darken. Next thing I knew, I was trapped within a magical painting of myself.

“Oh, woe was me in that moment. Sure, things could have been worse. Sure, he could have shaved one of my perfect eyebrows, or scarred the flawless skin on my face, but nonetheless this was definitely a terrible predicament to find myself in.

“Luckily for me, I was still able to speak and my powers of foresight were keener than ever. So, I called out for help. And who would show up but the apprentices of the very magician that had done this to me.

“I talked to the children and told them of how their master had tricked me and, bless their hearts, they believed every word I said. I gave them some good advice and sent them on their way to the magician’s tent.

“By using their wits and working together the two apprentices were able to discover the mysteries inside their master’s tent and return to me with Morgan’s dreaded Grimoire. I was so pleased that I declared that they should be made worthy magicians at once!

“But this was not the end of the tale. There was no happily ever after yet. Oh, no there wasn’t! The two young magicians looked through the Grimoire and found nothing in it that resembled a counter spell. Alas… I Zoltar the Great, the seer of secrets, and soon to be 5-time beer pong champion… was still trapped.

“In the end, Morgan the Magician was arrested for the improper use of magic against a national treasure, the two young magicians were given a center stage performance in the circus’ main event, and I was trapped for what seemed to be all eternity.

“Basically, you could say that the circus just wasn’t the same anymore. The two young magicians eventually left for better things and as the circus fell into debt, I was eventually sold to an old pawnshop owner whose hearing was so bad, I could never convince him I wasn’t an ordinary painting.

“But, as Mother always said, when life gives you a lemon, just wait around until you find someone who knows how to make lemonade! My fate changed the day I was purchased by a lovely couple who saw my talent for what it was truly worth! They gave me a well-paying job at Cross Roads Escape Games and since then, I have made it my mission to test those who wish to take on the Fun House, sorting the worthy magicians from the clueless clowns. It is my earnest hope that one day I will find a magician worthy enough to free me from my magical painting.

“At least, that is the story I tell people… it is a timeless tale of woe, betrayal, and not reading the waiver before messing with dark magic… One might say this story is a people pleaser. Trust me, this is the story you want to hear… It is much better than the one about the troll…

“But perhaps that version will be a story for another time.”

And there you have it dear readers. Straight from the horses mouth. Now your new question that you should be asking yourself is if  YOU will be the one who is worthy enough to set Zoltar fee?

Jason Sakal
Manager & Game Master
Cross Roads Escape Games